Friday, July 07, 2006

Maurice Clarett to play indoor football?


Clarett reportedly to sign with indoor league

Former Ohio State star running back Maurice Clarett, who failed to catch on with an NFL team after being cut by the Denver Broncos last year, has an oral agreement to play with an indoor league team, the Columbus Post-Dispatch reported Thursday.

From the looks of the league's web site this league could very well be some guys playing Strat-O-Matic in a basement for all we know.

Other notes from the story include this nugget:

It's unclear if Clarett will ever play for the Hitmen, because the team currently has just four players on its roster, the newspaper reported.

The guy on the front of the home page, the commish, is a bit funky looking with the finger to mouth pose. Not exactly inspiring, but there's more!! Click on the rules's blank. Click on EIFL's blank. Schedules? Blank. Teams? We got three of 'em! No players though. Merchandise? Yeah, baby, we can get the official ball for just 35 bones!

Hey there's another link for something called What's that all about you say? It's blank too.

Now we're not telling anyone how to start a football league, but maybe, just maybe, you should have some stuff on your site since, you know, it's kinda your only link to the rest of the sporting world. Or maybe, you should actually have teams, players, and a schedule before rushing out and making an announcement about how you are signing a failed, not-even NFL caliber running back, known more for his college cheating and arrests than playing actual ball.

But that's just our opinion.

Seems logical to me

From -

Local man sues Jordan, Nike for resemblance

A Portland man is suing Michael Jordan and Nike for a combined $832 million. Mr. Allen Heckard says he’s been mistaken as Michael Jordan nearly every day over the past 15 years and he’s tired of it.

Heckard is suing Jordan for defamation and permanent injury and emotional pain and suffering. He’s suing Knight for defamation and permanent injury for promoting Jordan and making him one of the most recognized men in the world.

Yes, being confused with one of the most famous people in the world must really suck.

Dressed in blue Air Jordan tennis shoes, Heckard might seem to be actually trying to look like Jordan but Heckard doesn’t see it that way.

He says he has the right to buy any type of shoe he wants and Jordan's are comfortable. However, we might point out that this could be a flaw in his case that he is tired of being confused for Jordan. Perhaps wearing his shoes when there are, oh I don't know, like 200 other types of tennis shoes to choose from, could be a problem with the judge.

Some might wonder how he decided to sue Knight and Jordan for $416-million each. "Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that times seven and ah, then I turn around and ah I figure that's what it all boils down to."

Bravo. We couldn't be more supportive of the man. And if he wins, we are suing Brad Pitt and all the producers of his movies, because, dammit, we are tired of the harrassment as well.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Professional Miniature Golf...seriously

Where to begin? I am not sure what's worse: the fact that there is a "U.S. Open" and "Masters" for "Professional" Miniature Golf or that the Washington Post devoted enough space to an article on it that it required five links just to finish the story.

There are so many hilarious quotes in this story that it makes me wonder if the writer wasn't secretly making fun of these people while disguising it as a serious look at their "sport."

In Europe, mini-golf is more seriously regarded than it is in America.

Now that's shocking...

The men rehearsed the course for a solid 10 hours, until exhaustion got the better of them. They went off to their hotel, still feeling unprepared.

Ten hours.

The field consisted of five local amateurs and six pros from out of town. Turfside spectators numbered an even zero.

And I thought for sure there would be mini-golf groupies.

"I'm 115th in the world rankings," he said. "I've been to Europe. I'm even more famous over there than I am in the United States."

Seriously, there are world rankings.

At present, an uneasy truce prevails between the USPMGA (United States ProMini Golf Association) and the PPA (Professional Putters Association), which in 2005 decided to allow its players to compete in USPMGA tournaments.

And you thought the CART - IRL war was bad.

"Our tour is the PGA of miniature golf," he said. "You have to have the same skill level as a Tiger Woods or a Phil Mickelson to be successful on our tour."

Yes, someone really said that.

The tournament was going pretty smoothly, he said. "We had to penalize one man for not wearing a collared shirt, but that's been the only controversy we've had this morning, thank God."

You laugh, but there is mention of prostitutes and suspensions in this story.

You just have to read the whole story, trust me it is priceless.
It's a Jungle Out There

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

We can't make this stuff up

Jose Canseco has asked to be traded. Oh, you didn't know he was playing baseball again? See the post below for more details, but Canseco has played one game this season Yesterday. Yes, that's right, one game for the San Diego Surf Dogs of the Golden Baseball League and now he has asked to be traded. Apparently his 0-for-3 with three strikeouts in his debut yesterday now warrants his making some demands on his new "team." His reasoning for wanting to be traded is as follows:

From the AP:

Golden Baseball League commissioner Kevin Outcalt said Wednesday that negotiations were expected to be completed soon to send Canseco from the independent San Diego Surf Dawgs to the Long Beach Armada.

Canseco asked for a trade because his daughter will be spending the rest of the summer living with him, and he will need to be in the Los Angeles area more than he anticipated, Outcalt said. Long Beach is about 25 miles south of Los Angeles.

It's almost like Jose found out I was starting a blog on the stranger side of sports and wanted to contribute to the effort.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Jose can you see?

From the AP:

Jose Canseco goes 0-for-3 in debut with Surf Dawgs

In typical Jose Canseco fashion, there was a lot of hot air and not a lot of substance in Canseco's "return" to professional baseball. In his first appearance in a baseball uniform (other than when he poses for himself in the mirror at home), Canseco went 0-for-3 with THREE strikeouts and was hit by a pitch. That is not a typo. He fanned THREE times in the San Diego Surf Dogs 4-3 victory over the Chico Outlaws of the independent Golden Baseball League.

The Golden Baseball League is made up of players who are not good enough to be playing in Class A ball for any of the 32 major league teams.

He did have time to send another wave of hot air Major League Baseball's way, however.

"They're (MLB) mafia, point blank, they're mafia," Canseco said. "I don't think Major League Baseball is enthused about finding out the truth. There needs to be a major cleanup in Major League Baseball. I think they are treading on very thin ice, and (commissioner) Bud Selig has to be very careful what he's doing because his job is on the line."


I am sure Bud is quivering with fear right about now. It's a shame Jose wasn't more successful tonight. I sure hope it doesn't affect his upcoming movie premiere.

In a related AP story:

"His allegations are complete nonsense," MLB spokesman Rich Levin told The Associated Press in a telephone interview.


Maria gaining ground on Anna

In the continual race to see who can be the most overpaid, overhyped, hot, young Russian tennis star, Maria Sharapova is pulling out all the stops in an effort to knock the reigning queen of being a famous tennis star despite not winning all that much, Anna Kournikova.

Sharapova, who actually sports one Major win in her tennis career, as opposed to Anna's zero, realizes that in order to move Anna off her throne, she has to try things Anna hasn't done. Thus we have this:

Anna, not to be outdone, showed
at a semi-recent Laker game she attended with her balding boyfriend, Enrique Iglaesias, why she is the queen of being famous for nothing other than being a hot tennis player.

Clearly, Anna is not going to go down without a fight. She may not be as young as Maria, but she has experience on her side.

The definition of oxymoron

Guillen has first session of sensitivity training

From the AP:

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen was fined and ordered by commissioner Bud Selig to undergo sensitivity training last month after an obscenity-laden tirade against Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti in which he used a derogatory term that describes someone's sexual orientation.

He called him a "fag." Ozzie in sensitivity training is like trying to teach a dog to drive a car. Good luck.

Some wonderful insight was gained by Ozzie though:

"There are so many different languages you can use when you are going to talk to somebody. There are a lot of things you cannot say about anybody, even when you want to say them," Guillen said.

What else did he learn in his session?

"Be polite," Guillen said. "The thing I told the guy, I say I don't need to be polite, I need to speak better English. I understand the system better. A lot of people thought I was making the excuse of not being from this country. No, I have 26 years here and I know what every little word means to anybody, that's no excuse.

"The guy said, 'If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything,"' Guillen added. "I say, 'If you have to say that to somebody, don't tell me what then. I'm not going to say that.' I will be the same guy, use a different word."

So in sensitivity training he learned not to call people "fags". He should use a different word next time. Well, he seems much more sensitive to me now. Nice job MLB.

Happy Birthday Class of '76!

Monday, July 03, 2006

Evander Holyfield is a stinkin' genius

Evander Holyfield To Make Ring Return Against Jeremy Bates On August 18


Holyfield, 43, 38-2-2, will face "veteran" (i.e. tomato can) Jeremy Bates, 21-11-1.
The event will be televised nationally on Fox Sports Net’s “Best Damn Sports Show” with air-time at 10:30 p.m. Eastern/9:30 p.m. Central time on August 18.

Holyfield is pursuing his dream of a fifth heavyweight world title. He lost his last title in 2002 -- four years ago.

“I’ve had a great career and the book is almost written,” said Holyfield. “But we have one final chapter where I win the World Heavyweight Championship for the fifth time. And on August 19th in Dallas, the Final Chapter begins.”

In the immortal words of Mike Ditka, "Who are you crappin?"

Baseball Players are too athletes

From the AP:

Pedro hurts hip in bathroom slip, to miss start
Martinez slips while changing shirt, although Randolph says it's not serious

In the annals of sports there are dozens upon dozens of strange injuries unrelated to the action on the field. This brilliant maneuver serves to remind us of some of them.

In honor of Pedro, we'll focus on baseball today.

Charlie Hough broke his pinky finger while shaking hands.
David Cone missed a start after getting bit by his mother-in-law's dog, a Jack Russell Terrier.
Jim Corsi slipped coming out of the shower and sprained his wrist.
Carlos Perez broke his nose in a car accident, as he was trying to pass the team bus.
Rickey Henderson missed several games because of frost-bite. In August.
Vince Coleman missed the 1985 World Series when he got rolled up in the tarp machine.
Kevin Mitchell strained a muscle while vomiting. He also
once injured himself while eating a cupcake.
Steve Foster injured his shoulder knocking over milk bottles during a segment with Jay Leno on "The Tonight Show."
Wade Boggs missed several games after straining his back while pulling on his cowboy boots.
Jeff Juden had a start early in the 1994 season pushed back after getting an infection from a tattoo.
Ken Griffey Jr. missed a game after his protective cup slipped and pinched a testicle.
Dwight Gooden missed a start when Vince Coleman accidentally hit him with a golf club in the Mets' clubhouse.
Steve Sparks dislocated his shoulder while tearing a phone book in half.
Larry Anderson strained a rib muscle getting out of a Jacuzzi.
Ted Power pulled a hamstring jumping off the bullpen bench to join a brawl.
Kent Hrbek missed the final 10 games of the 1990 season when he sprained an ankle while wrestling with a clubhouse attendant.
Terry Harper injured his shoulder after giving another player a high five.
Greg Harris injured his shoulder trying to flick sunflower seeds into the stands from the bullpen.
Mark Smith was hurt when he stuck his hand in an air conditioner to see why it wasn't working properly.
John Smoltz burned his chest while ironing a shirt that he was wearing.
George Brett hit his foot on a chair and broke his toe while running from the kitchen to the TV to see Bill Buckner hit.
Glenallen Hill
went on the DL because of cuts suffered after smashing a glass table while dreaming he was being attacked by spiders.
Tom Glavine broke a rib in 1992 after vomiting up airplane food.
Ricky Bones went on the disabled list in 2000 after injuring himself while changing channels on the clubhouse TV.
Jason Isringhausen broke his hand while punching a trash can just weeks after stabbing himself in the leg trying to open a package.
Sosa sneezed twice while bending over in the Cubs' clubhouse, sending his back into spasms and putting himself out of the lineup.
Marty Cordova
couldn't play because he'd fallen asleep in a tanning bed and burned his face too badly.
Chris Brown once begged out of the lineup because of a strained eyelid. He claimed he "slept on it wrong."
Cecil Upshaw tore up his ring finger on an overhead awning and ended his promising career while demonstrating imaginary basketball dunks.
Matt Mantei needed four stitches in his right thumb after cutting it while opening a can of dog food.
John Vander Wal blew out his knee -- while shoveling snow.
Mark Quinn opened the season on the DL because of a broken rib that occurred when he was "kung-fu fighting" with his brother.
Matt Anderson once tore a muscle in his shoulder after participating in an octopus-throwing contest.
Adam Eaton once landed on the DL when he stabbed himself in the stomach with a paring knife trying to open a DVD box.
and finally...
Clint Barmes was shelved by a broken collarbone incurred when lugging deer meat up his apartment-house steps.

Congrats NFL

(Thanks for the idea, PFT.)

Sunday, July 02, 2006

MLB All-Star Teams

With the players being selected today for the All-Star Game I have a few observations to share.

1) Can we do away with the "every team has to be represented" thing now that the game "counts," so that the 32 best players are on the rosters?

2) How does the National League batting leader not make the team (Nomar Garciaparra)?

3) Troy Glaus? He is batting .252. C'mon.

4) Derrick Turnbow? He of the ERA over 4.00? Chris Capuano should easily be on before him if you have to take a Brewers pitcher.

5) Further proof that not every team should be represented: Mark Redman made the team.

6) Francisco Liriano and Travis Hafner are in the vote. They should both be on the team not in this ignorant fan vote.

7) Others who could have/should have made it: (HITTERS) Carl Crawford, Johnny Damon, Orlando Cabrera, Raul Ibanez, Corey Patterson, Nick Johnson, Scott Rolen, Joe Crede, Brandon Phillips, Trot Nixon, David Eckstein, and Carlos Delgado. (PITCHERS) Aaron Harang, Curt Schilling, Mike Mussina, J.J. Putz, Joe Nathan, Nate Robertson, Takashi Saito, Josh Johnson, John Lackey, Chris Young, and Chien-Ming Wang.

Pro Football Talk's All-Turd Team

The fine folks over at have done some exhaustive research and come up with their First Annual All-Turd Team.

It's highly entertaining and worth a looksee.

A few highlights:

"Charles Rogers, WR, Lions: From No. 2 overall pick to certified piece of No. 2."

Kellen Winslow, TE, Browns: Vroom, vroom. Smash. "

"Randy McMichael, TE, Dolphins: Smash. Vroom, vroom."

"Najeh "Dookie" Davenport, RB, Packers: Arrested for taking a crap in a dorm room closet while the girl who lived there was sleeping. This guy could become possessed by the spirit of Mother Teresa for the rest of his days and we'd still make him the charter member of the Turd Hall of Fame. "

For the rest visit: PFT's ALL-TURD TEAM.

Quote of the Year Nominee #1

From Sports Illustrated's Letters section:

"After reading Rushin's column, I immediately checked out all the soccer videos he recommended. And guess what? While I admire the athleticism and skills on display, I still don't like soccer. Why must Americans be lectured every four years about our lack of enthusiasm for someone else's national pastime? We tried it; we don't like it." - Phil Winters, Pittsburgh

Amen, brother, amen.

Speaking of soccer/football...

How many Euros do you think have attended a World League of American Football (or whatever the NFL is calling it these days) only to be stunned by a bunch of guys in gladiator outfits throwing a oblong-shaped ball around the field?

And for that matter, why is American football even called football? Using your feet with regards to the ball has very little to do with the actual game. It's not like back in the olden days there was a ton of field goals kicked. Mostly it was big guys running with the ball every play.